I need to talk about my little #adventure yesterday. I really wanted to see the city to explore and see if I’d feel comfortable #downtown. I’m from #smallville #ohio, also known a Xenia, OH. I’m the smallest of small town girls. I’m the girl next door. Up until recently I was extremely shy. So when I say I wasn’t ready for my encounters yesterday…Lord! ….. I WAS NOT READY. I have never ever ever saw myself as even remotely attractive, cute, pretty or anything of the sort. Don’t get me wrong, i love me some me, but like I said, I’m just the girl next door type.. So when I started to get hit on and leered at to the point that I wanted to jump into the river it was all new. And a little uncomfortable. Being looked at the way I look at mac and cheese is, well, #gross. Especially being a #muslimah and someone who #covers. Im used to creeps sliding in my inbox, but that.. y’all 😣😣😣😣 #ICantEven.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, I mean, a whole lot; thinking about who I am and how I got to be this way. I think of my childhood, my upbringing. My parents. I’m a pretty open person except when it comes to my parents, mostly because, despite everything, I don’t want to disrespect them. For years I’ve played with the idea of writing a memoir, but it wouldn’t be real, it wouldn’t be accurate and raw, unless I spoke my whole truth. And that included opening up about my parents. So I always decided against it. My mother would never forgive me if people knew of the skeletons in our family closet; that the picture wasn’t/isn’t quite as pretty as it seems.
Blogging here and there about certain things seems safe enough.
Today I’m going to talk about yet another thing I don’t like discuss. My difficulty with speaking. Let me must tell you, having people constantly saying, “huh?” “What?” “I don’t understand you.” is not fun. It’s pretty awful actually. When I was really young, I didnt really notice it, spent pretty much the entire first twelve years of my life only around my immediate family members. And as a result, I didn’t much have a sense of self, no real sense of autonomy. I wasn’t much aware of myself as an individual, which included the way I looked and the way I spoke. At least not when around my siblings, who were almost exclusively to whome I spoke. And around everyone else, I was shy, painfully shy.
I wish I’d gotten a speech therapist as a child. But I guess mother saying, “Quit mubbling!” Was all the therapy she thought I needed.
Oh, let me back up for a second for those who don’t actually know my life! I was homeschooled till I was 12. When I was 12, my family moved to Trinidad (another story for another day) and thats when everything changed. That’s when I started gaining self awareness, and that’s when I noticed I had a problem. At first I thought my shyness and social anxiety played a part. Making it impossibly difficult to get words out. But when I did get them out, it was oftentimes gibberish, or so slurred it was unintelligible. And when classmates and teachers would repeatedly not understand me, I told myself that it was my American accent that they couldn’t understand. But the thing is, I couldn’t understand what was coming out of my mouth either. I knew what I intended to say, but wouldn’t come out right. There is a term so lovingly referred to as marble mouth, as in, sounding as if you’re speaking with a mouth full of marbles. That’s me!
Whenever I try to slow down and speak more clearly, I stutter. When I record myself on snapchat or instagram, sometimes I have to record myself at least three times until I’m understandable. I know there are a lot of people out there who would say it’s not that bad or that i just talk too fast. But for me, it is that bad. It makes be feel stupid, make me feel like a moron. It’s ironic isn’t it, that I have so much to say but faulter in my speech. . .
Upon reflections of my upbringing,
It truly is no surprise
That the first man I ever “loved”
Would have been mentally abusive
In every sense of the term.
I don’t talk about it, not to anyone. I’ve only ever told really told one person about some of the horrors I endured for an entire year of my early twenties. My friends at the time didn’t know half, a fourth even, of the mind games, guilt trips and manipulation that man put me through. I couldn’t tell my sister, I was too ashamed. Truth is, I didn’t have anyone I trusted enough to talk about it to. I felt isolated and alone. And anyone who knows anything about abuse of any kind, the abused almost always feels that way; alone, with no way out. And unless you’ve actually been in that situation, you will never, and mean never, understand what it’s like. You’ll never understand the conditions that led to a victim being a victim, and staying a victim.
I had no confidence, no self esteem, no self worth. I had no idea what a functional relationship was supposed to look like, feel like. I had no clue how a man was supposed to treat a woman, or what it was to be truly respected or cared for.
In the beginning, he made me feel special, desired, and loved. I fell hard. Things moved at a lightening fast pace, and almost immediately we talking about our future and marriage. But it didn’t take long for things to start going south. He would ignore my messages, disappear for weeks at a time, delete me on social media then pop back up saying he missed me, and that he loved me and was “going though stuff”. And the few times I mustered up enough courage to stand up for myself, he’d twist things around and I’d end up being the one apologizing (he was exceptionally good at that). Apologizing for not being understanding enough. Apologizing for not being a good enough woman, saying I’d do better. I distinctly remember begging him not to leave me. It sounds crazy doesn’t it?
Intellectually, I knew the way he was treating me wasn’t right, but at that point in my life, I’d only ever known a man to make his woman miserable, so in a sense, it was almost normal. I would say things to myself like, “who am I to think I deserve a perfect man? I’m certainly not perfect, so I should take the bad with the good.” Or, “Once we’re married, it’ll all be ok.” I was determined to be dedicated, unwavering in my devotion to him because he had a hard life and I was going to stand by my man. Be a “ride or die”. It all sounds so foolish now, but I’m older, smarter and more importantly, I now possess the self worth that I simply didn’t have back then. But I can remember exactly what it felt like. Feeling like, if I ever lost him, no other man would possibly ever love me. It was my one chance at a happy ending, I couldn’t let my pride get in the way of that. It’s sad to think that as neglected, rejected and sometimes despised I felt by him, somewhere in my mind, I guess somehow still believed he loved me. Or maybe I didn’t believe he loved me. It’s interesting the way your brain finds a way to justify the unjustifiable so you can sleep at night.
I remember how exhausting it was pretending everything was ok, I couldn’t endure being called silly and ridiculous by friends for not ending things, I couldn’t have my sister being disappointed in me, I needed her support more than anything and if she knew of all the nights I cried myself to sleep because of how badly he treated me, she would never accept him. So the worse it got, the more distant I became to others. If he and I were on one of our many “off again” periods, I didn’t say a word, I knew we’d be back on again and all would be right.
I’m not shy about the fact that I have daddy issues, mommy issues, attachment issues, trust issues, abandonment issues and pair all that with my self image issues, I was literally the perfect storm, so to speak, for abuse.
I was a girl desperate for a man’s love while feeling utterly undeserving of it.
My mother still thinks just carelessly cast him aside like I’m some kind of heart breaker and that we were such a cute couple and that I should have married him. Truth be told, even after everything, after he revealed that he hooked with some chick because he was lonely, I would have. I would have still married him if he’d let me. Thankfully, through a certain circumstance that I won’t reveal, God saved me from it, and from him, because I was powerless to save myself.
Fast forward to last year(or maybe the year before). I open up my Kik app and that man had actually had the audacity to message me say something along the lines of him knowing he messed up bad (darn skippy) and that I probably wouldn’t give him another chance (preach) but he’d like to still at least be friends (boy bye!). See, he thought I was still in victim mode and would race back to him. Sorry boo, I’m a queen now.
Tell yourself you’re beautiful
With your messy hair and sleepy eyes
Walk around in your underwear…
If you’re ever so daring, take a selfie..or ten
Look at you
Really look at you
Forget every other body you’ve ever seen
On T.V., in the magazines, in your life
You have no business comparing your body to theirs.
For a second, just pretend that no other bodies exist
It’s not so bad when you’re not trying to measure it up to others is it?
Thighs that have touched since forever
Whatever your unique body story
We’re not meant to be carbon copies of each other
Take care of yourself
Just be your best you and love it.
-Krazy Aunt Kat
It’s been a while. I just much prefer to blog on a computer rather than my phone and I haven’t been to the library in a bit… which explains my overdue DVDs. *lowers head in shame*
Feliz Sabado! It’s a frigid 20 degrees today in North East Michigan and my skin is not happy about it, neither is my heart, soul and spirit, lol.
Life if full of an accumulation of good and bad, happy and sad moments and happenings. It’s out of our control. But you know what is in our control? Our reactions. Our reactions to negative stimuli is ever so crucial to living a happier, healthier life. Mind you, oftentimes it’s far more easily said than done but I’m living proof that not only is it possible to remain positive and upbeat in the midst of trails, but also necessary.
Life will happen, and continue to happen, whether or not you’re in a good place, or equipped to deal with it. You can either sink or swim; those are your only options.
– Krazy Aunt Kat
I am happy to report that I am now officially, officially, official at my new job! I completed my job orientation on Wednesday and Thursday and let me just tell you, I have never in my life come across people who are so passionate about their jobs/place of employment. It blew my mind. I learned so much in those two days (8 hr both days) that will not only help me in my specific job, but also in my life and my future. I finished orientation feeling so inspired and life felt so full of promise.
Orientation started at 8 A.M. so I decided to stay with my sister for those days since I live about an hour from work. It all worked out… Until it didn’t. On Wednesday, several parts of Michigan experienced severe winds that caused some major power outages state-wide. Thankfully my sisters home kept its power and made the false assumption that my apartment would have kept its power. Wrong. Last night I got home, the lights were, sigh of relief. Then I opened my freezer, it didn’t feel as cold as it should have. Then I felt my frozen fruit… not as solid as I should have been, my ground beef, covered in ice crystals, also not as solid as it should have been. Crap.
So this morning I collected the contents of my freezer and fridge and threw them in the dumpster. On the plus side, I honestly didn’t have much, however, I went to not having much to having almost nothing in the way of food. I do have pasta and sauce so I know what I’m having for dinner tonight: Spaghetti. I foresee myself losing a lot of weight in the coming weeks, but it’s all good. I praise God and take in my stride. I don’t get paid till Friday.My car needs gas, I’m hungry, bills need to be paid, still haven’t secured a second job, but I’m genuinely not kidding when I say I’m not worried. Worry isn’t going to help me in the least. Prayer and action are the only things that will help me. I’m going to keep applying for a second job, I’m going to use what little money that remains in my account to put gas in my car and buy a few things to eat. I may even splurge on some chocolate! I’m going to be just fine, and so will you.
Hugs and Kisses,
Krazy Aunt Kat
It’s March! And that means Spring is just around the corner! Although, I’ve been fairly warned about what to expect from a typical Michigan winter, which is temperatures flipping anywhere from 30 degree(Fahrenheit) and snowing to 70 and gorgeous until BOOM, Summer. Hot. Sticky. Summer. But I much prefer warm (not hot) to the cold so I shall make a point to go out and embrace the sporadic higher temps when I am graced with them.
So, this week has been interesting! Remember that car rental place I interviewed at last Wednesday? The one I was not feeling and was sure bombed the interview.. They called me on Friday and OFFERED ME A JOB. I’m still utterly confused! My friend and niece said it must have been because the thought I was cute and was too charming, respectively. The guy called FIVE times within less than an hour. I really didn’t want to deal with it but I had to put on my big girl panties and deal with it so I answered the fifth call.The coversation:
Him (HR Rep): Hey, this is *insert name here*, we were looking over your resume and we’d like you to join our team!! You’ll start on Monday, I’ll send out an email with the details.
Him: Yeah! *giggles*
Me: You sure??
Him: Yes! Sure! Sure! *chuckles*
I know, that wasn’t the most professional conversation I’ve ever had but Good Lord I was confused! I specifically told the owner of the company my misgivings about working there. Seriously, what was he thinking? And onto what I was thinking after I hung up. Is this a sign? Am I supposed to take this job after all? Were my instincts that wrong? I’m broke. This is my only job prospect. I’m broke. Maybe I misread the entire situation. It’s full-time. Huge growth opportunity. Pays well. Did I mention I’m broke? What choice did I really have? Saturday morning I, hating myself, went to Target and purchased a black blazer and white blouse in preparation for my first day of employment after nearly two full months. A whopping sixty bucks that I really didn’t have to spare by the way!
Fast forward to that evening. I get a phone call, Detroit area, I didn’t answer, a message was left. It was from a job that I had applied for, what seems like an eternity ago saying that my drug test and background check had gone through and that I could start on Tuesday…. So. Now I have two job offers, starting within a day of each other, one is full-time and pays well, one is part-time and not so much. I’m broke remember, the choice was pretty clear. Sunday night rolls along, I iron up my blouse and blazer, set my alarm.Ready.
Alarm goes off Monday morning. I can’t do it. I just can’t. Sure the “adult” thing would have been to get my butt out of bed and do what needed to be done but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t make that sacrifice. I’m a dreamer after all, an aspiring risk taker. In that moment, it wasn’t about what I should do, but what I needed to do, for my self, for my spirit. So I sent the HR Rep an email thanking him for the consideration but that I had to decline because I had received another job offer. Tuesday morning I was finally able to get in touch with someone from the other job, I went in, got their 40 minutes late, met my new coworkers. Yesterday was the second day at my new job. At a museum. And yes it’s part-time with unsustainable pay. But yesterday was special. Yesterday, this happened:
Fellow trainee: You’re into graphics right?
Me: Yeah… how did you know??
FT: I was in it for years, I can always tell
Me: Oh! I actually have a degree in graphic arts
FT: So you do websites and stuff??
Me:I mostly do print work, business cards, signage etc
FT: Alright. We’ll talk.
Yesterday, I had a moment where I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
– Aunt Kat
Well guys, we are nearing the end of February, gorgeous weather we’re having might I add, and I still don’t have a job! If you’re new to my blog, feel free to read through my earlier posts to get the low down on my story 🙂 Of course, not having an income currently is a struggle but thankfully, I received my tax refund earlier this month so I’m okay for now. Sure I’m a tiny bit sad that I couldn’t use the money to glam up my apartment but hey, I’m just grateful I was able to eat, pay my car-note and keep a roof over my head for another month.
It’ll never be all doom and gloom with me, I’ve become a glass half full type of gal. And trust me, it hasn’t been easy to get to this point. Just a few years ago, I was such the Negative Nancy, I even earned the nickname of Pessimistic Pita Bread (don’t ask). One key thing to not is that I was only ever downer on my own life. I was always a big cheerleader for others, just not for myself. I felt like “It’s my life, I can be as negative about it as I want to be.” Please, don’t ever adopt that attitude.
Yesterday, two positive things happened. #1: A local business saw my resume on a state job site and wants me to come in to interview TOMORROW. I have no idea what that position is for, but I know it’s at a car rental company (yes, I did my research. It’s legit). Now I know I’ve said that I don’t want just any job, but I am all about new experiences and learning new skills. Besides, by going back to school, I am working toward my career goal (I’ll discuss that in another post).
#2: I reconnected with my very best friend, and I don’t use the words best and friend willy-nilly… especially not together, so that shows just how special this person is to me. ❤
Speaking of people and the past! I was on my writing Instagram account, as you can tell from my previous posts, I’ve been in the writing mood of late. Anyway, I was scrolling through my list of people I should follow and who do I see? None other than the dummy who missed out on the best thing he’d ever have (I don’t like the term “ex-fiance”, it just doesn’t capture it, lol ). My question is, how? How are we being connected? I made my account long after he and I were done. I don’t have his number, I can’t imagine how he could possibly have mine. We have no mutual connections. So once again, how? I remember about a year or two ago he showed as “people you may know” on Facebook. We were NEVER connected through Facebook. In fact, he didn’t even have a Facebook when we were a thing…. Hmmmm. Anyway, another story for another day.
I’d give my first
Porque ella es mi madre
Porque ella es mi madre
Her joy is my joy
Her sorrow is my sorrow
Her pain is my pain
Porque ella es mi madre
Her, I shall serve dutifully
For my salvation is beneath her feet.
Porque ella es mi madre
Because she is my mother.
I wrote this some years ago…. Gosh, so much has changed since then. So much has changed in our already imperfect relationship…